A Liberated Woman
by Laura Rubinstein
He’s a good man and very generous. He’s patient with me and is a good provider. His career is moving forward. I am safe, secure and he loves me and I love him. As I drive to work thinking about our engagement, I say to myself, “I have a lifetime to figure out how to be happy in this relationship.” After all, I wouldn’t want to go into another relationship and risk being unhappy again. Odds aren’t good since I can’t figure out how to be happy with this really good guy. And could I even find as good a catch and would I ever fall in love again?
That was the fall of 1997 and I was utterly miserable. I didn’t even know why. Quite frankly if you asked me then, I would have said I was happy. Denial is a powerful thing when you have a goal and everything looks good on the outside. Throw in a healthy dose of fear to ensure the status quo remains. I also had plenty of complaints, but they weren’t the problem. Yes, he didn’t initiate enough, he wasn’t intimate enough, he watched too much TV, he seemed to become passive aggressive, and on and on. Do you sense a theme here? If only he could change, I would be happier. Unfortunately at that time, I was not aware that these complaints and visions of someone else changing had nothing to do with my happiness.
My intuition knew all along and had known for years prior that this relationship was not meant to be. I just wasn’t ready to leave the relationship. My fear was way louder and more convincing than my intuition. So my inner dialog continued… “You’ll never find another good man like this.” My self-worth stepped in and commented too, “Who would want someone who nags all the time.” I even recall admitting to myself, “I will not be the one to break up this relationship.” There it was, my intuition actually got through in a roundabout way (as it usually does). My fate was sealed. What my intuition was saying with that declaration was, “We’re going to break up and he will do it.” That being said, I did not realize this at the time.
The very night of the morning I had committed to figuring out how to be happy in this relationship, my fiancé arrives home rather late. He went to work out and boy is he buff. I call him my stud muffin as I had recently started and give him a juicy kiss. His lips are more relaxed than usual and that feels great. But something is not normal here. We sit down on the edge of the bed and he proceeds to tell me he loves me but he’s not in love with me anymore and cannot marry me. He cannot even tell me why. In one very short conversation, my heart goes thud right on the ground with my deepest fears coming true.
Though I was devastated, I was liberated. The healing could begin. I knew my soul was squashed in this relationship. There were so many things to explore. But the first was how to get happy. Now that I didn’t have anyone else to complain about or blame, I took a good brave look at myself. Therapy, mentors, journaling, books, exploring what I loved, listening to my soul, expressing myself in new ways, practicing healthier more authentic ways of being, making new friends, and most of all by trusting the process I healed my self-esteem, learned to love myself and life again, and found true love.
Finally, I was liberated from myself and my own patterns. I was not liberated from a bad situation that I was victim to. In fact, no one was keeping me there but me. And my intuition was doing everything it could think of to get me out while my ego was doing everything to hold on. Thus, I was liberated from my ego and habit of blaming and projecting my unhappiness onto another. I was liberated to take 100% responsibility for my happiness.